People still ask why I changed my thinking about my book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Back in 2018, I published a statement on my website. The following is an updated version of it.
For many years, people have asked me whether I still agree with the ideas I wrote in I Kissed Dating Goodbye. In addition to those questions, some readers have shared that the book harmed them. Their words stayed with me. As I listened to this feedback, I realized I needed to take a hard look at what I had written back in 1997 and whether it reflected what I still believe. That journey of reflection and re-evaluation began in earnest while I was in graduate school in Vancouver, BC.
Between 2015 and 2018, I undertook a thorough and intentional process of re-evaluating the book. This wasn’t just a personal reflection—it involved engaging directly with people who had been impacted by its message. I created a space on my website for readers to share their stories, I had personal phone calls with those who wanted to talk more deeply, and collaborated with one of my professors on a guided study. Together, we explored the theological, sociological, and historical factors that influenced both me and the writing of the book.
This journey led to a crowd-funded documentary which I co-created with a fellow student as a graduate school project. In the film, I had honest conversations with people who helped reshape my thinking. For me, it was important that this process wasn’t superficial or isolated. I wanted to include other voices and perspectives, and I made it public because I believed the public reach of my book required a public response.
When I began the documentary, I didn’t know where I would land in my thinking. I was open to listening, learning, and being challenged. But by the end of the project, one thing became clear: my thinking had changed significantly. I no longer agreed with the central idea of I Kissed Dating Goodbye—that dating should be avoided. Instead, I now believe dating can be a healthy and valuable part of a person’s growth. It can help someone develop relationally, learn about themselves, and understand the qualities that matter most in a partner.
I saw my book had many flaws. In my effort to set a high standard, the book emphasized practices like avoiding dating and kissing before marriage and concepts like “giving your heart away”—things that are not found in the Bible. I see now that, in trying to warn people about the pitfalls of dating, the book instilled fear in many readers. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of having their hearts broken. Fear of failing to live up to an ideal. Fear of their own sexuality.
The book also gave the impression that following a specific methodology for relationships would guarantee a “happily ever after”—a perfect marriage, a great sex life, and a life free of relational pain. But life doesn’t work that way, and these outcomes are not promised in scripture.
For those who read my book and were misdirected or hurt by it, I want to say this clearly: I am sincerely sorry. I never intended to hurt anyone with what I wrote. I know my apology doesn’t change anything for you, and I know it comes too late. But I want you to hear me: I regret any way that my ideas restricted you, hurt you, or gave you a wrong view of yourself, of God, your sexuality, or your relationships. I wish I had seen it sooner.
To those of you who benefitted from my book, I’m grateful that something I wrote helped you. But I can no longer stand by or support its overall message.
While I can’t recall all the copies of my book, I’ve worked to spread the word about its problems through public statements, media interviews, and the documentary. My publisher agreed to discontinue I Kissed Dating Goodbye and my other books in 2018.
Since then, my beliefs have continued to shift. My own marriage ended in 2019, and I began to see in an even deeper way how damaging purity culture and its teachings about sex, gender, and relationships have been for so many people—myself included. In particular, I want to apologize for the ways my books and teachings harmed LGBTQ+ people. I deeply regret any pain or exclusion I caused.
While I’m not currently part of an organized religion, I’m still drawn to Jesus and to the rituals of the Christian faith. I consider myself a seeker, trying to live with honesty and humility as I continue to learn.
I’m grateful for people—both within and outside of the church—who are talking honestly about religious trauma, the dangers of purity culture, and the harm caused by manipulative, controlling, and fear-based religion.
Whether you agree or disagree with my views, I hope you’ll think for yourself, listen to others with compassion, and allow space for people whose experiences differ from your own.
Thank you for reading. I wish you all the best on your journey—wherever it may lead.
– Josh Harris