The process of rethinking beliefs and evaluating the good and bad of religious practice is stressful and often messy. For me, it was one of the first times I was thinking for myself, and that had all the grace of a toddler learning to walk. Here are some elements of my own deconstruction I can now look back on (without shame just a desire to learn) and admit were immature…
1. I carried my black and white thinking into deconstruction.
The way I practiced the Christian faith was premised on being certain that my beliefs were 100% right. You were either in or out.
When I deconstructed, I stepped away from organized religion but kept that same black and white mindset. I felt I needed to be completely out of Christianity since I didn’t believe all the doctrines and dogmas anymore. My binary brain wanted to be “right” in a new ex-vangelical way.
I realize now that the change I actually needed was to learn flexibility and openness to holding tension. Not having all the answers. Not needing to be “right” in a new way but live in the gray of uncertainty.
2. I expressed my hurt by trolling Christians.
In the aftermath of stepping away from the church, I received my fair share of criticism. As they tend to do on the internet, people said nasty things. But I sometimes responded by attacking and mocking Christianity itself. For me that wasn’t healthy and behind it was unprocessed sorrow and pain. As I’ve tried to address that, I’ve found new desire to be kind and understanding even toward people who I disagree with.
3. I too quickly tried to find a replacement community.
They say the time after you’ve left a cult is when you’re most vulnerable to join a new cult. I believe it!
When you’ve lived so long being part of a religious community, it’s disorienting and scary to feel unmoored. But I look back now and realize that diving into a new group can be dangerous. I needed to exercise the muscles of thinking for myself. It’s too easy to fall back into the same patterns of group think.
Disclaimer
These reflections are just things I’m learning. They don’t apply universally to everyone. Your story and process is unique.
And I don’t think “getting deconstruction right” needs to be the goal. Sometimes we need to be messy. But I also think there’s value in honest self-assessment.
I’d love to hear what you’ve learned and if there’s anything you’d do differently in hindsight.